


Station wide caper

by cool_ha_ha



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Mention of sexual acts, Multi, No Sex, Porn Watching, Screenplay/Script Format, Wild goose chase, caper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cool_ha_ha/pseuds/cool_ha_ha
Summary: Bashir and Garak find a video of Quark and Grilka. No one seems to know how it got there.
Relationships: Grilka/Quark (Star Trek), Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Kira Nerys/Odo, Leeta/Rom (Star Trek)
Kudos: 10





	Station wide caper

**Author's Note:**

> B- Bashir  
> G- Garak  
> Q- Quark  
> Gr- Grilka  
> O- Odo  
> K- Kira  
> W- Worf  
> L-Leeta  
> R-Rom

B and G are having a cuddle. B stops him  
G: Whats wrong?  
B: How do you feel about more .. visual stimulation  
G: What did you have in mind?  
B: Porn?  
G: Didn’t think you'd be into that  
B: Are you?  
G: I have a site in mind  
B: Oohh  
One klingon porn site later  
B: This is so violent  
G:That's how I found it  
B: You like it rough do you  
G: Thought you'd have deduced that by now  
B: Wait, is that Q?  
They both stare at the screen for a little too long. There is a scream from the tablet.  
G: Yup that's definitely Q  
B: Why is he in a holosuite dressed like that?  
G: Read the title. “Ferengi gets wrecked by klingon mistress” yikes  
B: Do you think he knows?  
G: We should ask  
B: And tell him we were searching through klingon porn, I don't think so

Q’s room. The doorbell goes off. Q answers it. B is not wearing trousers. G holds up a screen directly to his face.  
G: Did you upload this?  
Q looks closely  
Q: Grilka? No I didn't. How'd you find this?  
B: I’m literally not wearing trousers  
Q: You mean pants  
G: On his part of earth they call the undergarments pants  
Q: Hew-mons.  
B: Any ideas as to how this got uploaded?  
Q: Its security camera footage, so obviously someone with access to the-  
G: I think we’re onto something

O’s doorbell rings. He shape shifts pajamas and opens the door to see Q, B with no trousers and G holding porn to his chest.  
O: Can I help you?  
G: Did you upload this?  
O: I don’t want to see that  
Q: You’re the only person with access to the entire stations security camera system.  
O: Is this the holosuit?  
B: Obviously  
O looks embarrassed.  
O: Do you actually watch ..  
Q: I try not to, but that's not the point-  
O: Oh thank god  
B: - did you or did you not upload this?  
O: Firstly, it’s a crime to upload this without the parties involved consent, secondly, the holosuit cameras are still on a cardassian system. I can only access the Bajoran one. Star fleet have their own system as well .. I cant access that either.  
The group stand there in silence  
Q: You got K over right now?  
B: Glad you said it not me  
O looks confused  
Q: We’ll letchya get back to that  
B: BYE K  
B and Q continue the search  
G: You can't smell can you?  
O: No why?  
G: Currently your quite telling of your previous engagement with K  
O: You've lost me  
G whispers in his ear  
O: Didn't realise it has scent  
G: It's not a bad one, just distinct. Bye  
G chases after the other two.

Down the corridor B and Q continue to discuss the situation  
B: Couldn't have been Grilka could it?  
Q: And risk bringing dishonor to her house, unlikely.  
B: If porn was dishonorable, i doubt there would be this much of it  
Q: No, I mean evidence that she slept with me. Ferengi aren't exactly a worthy partner in their culture.  
B: Ouch  
Q: Unless it was someone trying to shame me  
G catches up.  
G: Who else would know a klingon porn site in order to shame you?  
B: I think we're onto something here.

W’s doorbell rings. W answers to see B without trousers, Q by his side and G holding a tablet playing porn.  
B: Did you upload this?  
W: What is it?  
G: Footage of Q and Grilka in the holosuit  
W: And why should I want to see that?  
Q: Because you didn't want me and Grilka to pair up, so you're getting your own back by sharing the result.  
The group nod  
W: By the klingon standards you are already without honor and if I didn't want you and Grilka to pair up I wouldn't have fought for you  
B: Still sounds like motive to me  
G: Especially since you never had a chance with her anyway  
W: Ferengi, you have many enemies, I am not one of them. If a klingon did upload this to shame anyone, it would be Grilka’s bodyguard, who you shamed, or Grilka herself  
G: Grilkas bodyguard couldn't access it without access to the Cardassian encrypted computer system  
B: Which leaves only one person.

At Q’s computer.   
Gr: Q! Why do you call at this hour?  
Q: Hiya sweetheart. My friends here accidentally found security camera footage of our .. last encounter  
Gr: Send it over  
G presses a button  
G: Did you upload this?  
Gr: I would have assumed you did?  
Q: Why would I want this out there?  
Gr: The reviews are all good. A Lot of people are amazed you earned my affection at all, never mind getting this far.  
Q: So it’s not blackmail?  
Gr: Blackmail is dishonourable. The person you're looking for is not a Klingon.  
B: That clears that up  
G: Also sends us back to square one  
Q: Thank you Gr  
Gr: See you soon  
She growls. He growls back. The call ends.  
B: So who has access to Cardassian security codes and wants to shame Q?  
B and Q look at G  
G: Don't give me that. But you have given me an idea

Back G’s, the tablet is wired up to the computer and G is tapping away  
B: Explain what your doing again  
Q: And is it illegal? I don't want O any closer to this than he already is.  
G: The only person who O will be visiting is the person who uploaded this and the theory goes, if it was filmed on a Cardassian system, then it must have been uploaded by one, and if whoever uploaded it wasn't careful, I might be able to back track it.  
Q: You mean we could have done this from the beginning?  
G: To be honest, my money was on the klingons bodyguard. AH ha. I found the console.  
B: Who is it?  
G: It's yours.  
Q: Mine? Where?  
G: Looks like the one in your back room of the bar.  
B: Who else has access to that?  
Q: No one but myself and R-  
G: I think we're onto something

R’s door bell goes off. R comes to the door to see B wearing no trousers, Q looking angry as hell, O and W stood at the back and G at the front holding porn on a tablet.  
O: Did you upload this?  
R: Am I in trouble?  
O: Depends if he presses charges  
W: Or if the klingons decide to to take it as an insult  
B: Or if its been downloaded elsewhere  
G: Or if there's ad’ revenue  
Q: It could be earning profit?  
R: you’d better come in

R: After you were carried to the infirmary, I was planning to delete the footage, as you asked me to do with most of the explicit data  
Q: You do?  
B: You don't remember asking that?  
R: You said, if it's not a crime, delete it, that way if O asks, at least the record shows any potential suspects while also keeping us out of potential blackmail  
O: I think we need to have a talk about your privacy regulations after this  
R: But when I was going through the footage and came across Grilka -  
L: It was my idea.  
G: The plot thickens  
W: But why?  
L: You literally pay me to walk around with my cleavage showing because it encourages your patrons to come back  
B: Well he’s not wrong  
L: So when R found your full sex tape, I thought id get you back  
Q: This is literally revenge porn  
O: It's still a crime  
R: I was gonna take it down, but then I saw the rating. It's one of the highest rated videos on the site. Millions of downloads so far.  
G: Not bad  
L: Not bad, that's amazing  
B: Q, you can't press charges now  
G: and I don't think the klingons mind either  
W: Millions of downloads?  
Q: You've got a point. Sorry O, I’m giving my consent to leave it up.  
O: If Grilka doesn't press charges either there's nothing the law can do or say  
R: So I'm not in trouble  
B: Looks like the opposite to me  
G: Case closed, we’re going.  
The group split up from R’s quarters  
Q: You know what was missing from today's adventure?  
G: B’s pants  
B: Trousers  
Q: We were one Zek away from a full blown caper


End file.
